Supreme A therapy breakthrough

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The more i open up, the more people give me "logic checks" that have me questioning everything i say. 
 
So over the past few weeks, I've been stifled in my capacity for self-expression and thought...every single time asking myself "is this bull shit...which meant i haven't been able to talk or think very much AT ALL. 

Fuckin sucks, that's all i god damn do. Turns out i just spew bull shit, like an asshole constantly shitting out explosive diarrhea into peoples faces.

Anyways, i noticed for the first time, that i dead eye people 24/7 in conversations, like i lock in, completely direct...intense. 

How? I was talking to my therapist about my family, aggressive, confrontation, direct, intense mother fuckers..

They made me feel like, every conversation was a fight and the goal was always to bark the loudest until the other person submitted to letting me speak. 

Crucially, acknowledging someone in any capacity was a sign of weakness, submission..essentially meant you're a bitch and they own you. 

Sometime's I've genuinely wanted to let someone talk, because i see they're moderately reasonable, but i just couldn't stop viewing the conversation as a fight..which meant i couldn't bring myself to be a bitch. 

Anyways, it's the first time I've ever admitted this to anyone, first my therapist...now this forum post. 

That conversation was a crack in the dam...i chiseled it open further..i stopped dead eyeing someone today and just..looked off to the side. 

Kinda crazy, something as small as that was a "you're a bitch signal" to me...but it is..ironically i felt tremendously safe afterwards, then i kept thinking why the fuck hadn't i done this sooner..i started hating myself for all the years I've spent like this, because in that moment i realized..i could've felt safe so much sooner...many many opportunities i let pass by..and it's so simple. 

So for me that was a pretty big thing today, i have PTSD....i was abused physically, emotionally, possibly raped i can't remember but a multitude of signs point to that being the case...i won't get into that in this post. 

Feeling unsafe is, the big thing you get from those experiences. Because you isolate...in isolation everyone is a stranger, strangers are unpredictable...for some reason PTSD uses that as an opportunity to fill the void..now every single stranger is a potential source of abuse and every minor thing they do that could elude to that possibility is a confirmation that sparks fierce emotions. 

Just imagine that, all day every day, every single fucking stranger you meet.."makes a certain face" or "moves a certain way" or "speaks a certain way"..your fucking anxiety sky rockets, your mind imagines them as a monster and now...reality doesn't fucking matter anymore, all i see..what i imagined them as...and it can't be turned off. They could be smiling..it wouldn't fucking matter at that point. 

I've spent most of my life dealing with this every day, with little to no breaks...one of the staples of my life..every couple of years i'd feel safe for a few seconds..and i could always say I've felt like this 3...6..10 times over the past 5 years. 

So let me break that down for you, 10 moments, lasting less than 1 minute..of feeling safe..over the course of 5..fucking..years. 

That's the hell i've been forced to endure. 

Which is why today was particularly awesome, usually it happened by sheer chance, i'd get lucky and meet someone with true..pure..compassion...but this time i was the cause of it, i had control..and i've never had that. 

Thanks.

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