Supreme I often wonder about giving up

[413]

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to finally let my abusive mother win by getting me to embrace a life of darkness out of hate for the way she treated me. You would think the worst part of it was the beatings, scars...but that wasn't it...it was the way she'd look at me, like i wasn't a person let alone her child, like i was this thing she was forced to indulge and regretted having. She used to ignore me for hours on end sometimes, i'd be crying and begging her to look at me or acknowledge me in some way and it would be like i didn't even exist, i was 5. My grandparents intervened when i was 6 after i visited and they discovered wounds/scars on me during a bath, took me away from her with the courts. They tried to rehabilitate me for years but..you know what they say, you can take a kid out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the kid. I'd be at church with them, surrounded by upper middle class white people in fancy clothes, just kicking them in the knee's and swearing at them, i was angry...not just at them but myself, whenever I'd get upset at home i used to punch myself in the legs over and over...just felt like a release i suppose. I cling to the notion of being a better person because of my grandparents, but it's very hard...every instinct in me is fighting against it. Once you've become aware of the monsters that lurk in our society, you don't unsee that. No amount of fancy living, or nice people can make that reality go away. None of them understood why i couldn't let it go, they'd never seen it themselves so, i can't blame them. I resented them for it however, seeing all of these people laughing and smiling without a care in the world, enjoying friendships and relationships, not feeling afraid...i tried so hard to meet them at their level but i just can't. No matter what i do, I'm always aware of the monstrous nature some people possess and I'm always ready for it, because i got attacked by one before and I'm not going to let another one surprise me. That's strange though, isn't it? Where do monsters reside, in the darkest recesses of life...and yet somehow that's where i feel most at home. I was watching a documentary about warren buffet and he lives so strangely, drives a cheap vehicle, goes to mcdonalds and shit..lives in a modest household. To most people that makes no sense but to me i get it, that's his home and at the end of the day it's where he longs to be, nowhere else. I feel most at home in ghettos, rich neighborhoods give me immense anxiety as do middle class ones. It's not so much the places however, but the people...i feel like poorer people i connect better with, they just get me yknow. It's difficult not to be demoralized by all of this, sometimes i desperately want to give into my darkside, just so i can feel comfortable again and home. I owe it to my grandparents to try to be better, they believed in me, sacrificed their retirement, withstood immense emotional abuse and stuck with me to the day i decided to leave. Know someone cares that much about it, makes me feel transfixed...i cling to it, but who doesn't wanna feel at home.

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[2.066]

i'm sure you're thankful that your granparents love you and have taken care of you, maybe the urge to make them proud is enough for a will to live since giving up won't solve anything You don't haven to integrate yourself into high class society since they are in fact dicks (not just your opinion its a fact) but i think you enjoying life and getting things in order will make your grandparents proud and that alone should be enough reason

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[787]

Travel with your friends, it will clear your mind.

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[6.207]

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