OP 22 March, 2024 - 11:42 AM
I turn around one day and this, beautiful feisty redheaded girl just joined the school as a freshman...and for some god forsaken reason, she developed a liking for me. I'd be walking in the hall and she'd pop up out of fucking nowhere and chat me up. I never felt like she was a loser though, yknow how someone just carries themself with character and principal..and she radiates it. So it turns out she's the smartest person in her entire class, ended up graduating valedictorian and i can't believe a girl like that took a liking to me. She actually tried to love me, hold my hand. She touched my hand and a volcanic eruption of emotions set off in me that i could not fucking handle...and i got mad and defensive, next thing i know a month later i've cursed her out EVERY SINGLE TIME i saw her, asked her to be my girlfriend (she said yes) then ducked her on purpose every time we ran into eachother. She gave up, said she never wanted to speak to me again..and honestly i feel like i dodged the bullet. There are some women in this world, which just, they're too fucking masculine and no amount of intelligence and character can make up for the fact that there's on enough room for one man in a straight relationship and i don't have the god damn energy to be ass fucking your masculine personality into submission all the time to maintain dominance. I just wonder why does it have to be this way, she was my muse. She was the first girl i ever felt something for and she was worth it, smart..accomplished..disciplined. Just not a fucking woman..getting into a relationship with her would be like non stop fights, personality clash..but she was the only woman who ever gave me the time of day, which is FUCKING WEIRD...out of all the women i've ever met, HER? A woman of THAT CALIBER?? Is the one that likes me? The ONLY ONE. Idk, maybe it's because i have an extremely aggressive personality myself and she was just...the other pea to my pod..but god damnet i did not like her personality, i'm enough of me, there doesn't need too be anymore. She told me she liked coldplay, so i learned to play their most popular song on the piano, eventually evolved into classical music and i always wanted to play it for her one day. I'd look at her and just erupt with emotion over every detail of her body with poetic inspiration, genuinely she became my muse..i even wrote her poetry and read it to her. Unfortunately i was everybit a manchild then as i am now, only much worse then..because i was still being abused and couldn't think for shit. I heard this really interesting fact about the development of intelligence in mankind, being heavily impacted by the invention of fire. Because with fire, came a protection that warded off predators and gave them time to just sit..and think. I've lived a life without fire and believe me, what they're saying is true. You cannot fight for your life and live in fear of death every minute of the day and GROW substantially, it's just not a realistic possibility. It's not fair, i had my childhood robbed from me by this fucking bull shit that happened to me when i was a kid...and it's still fucking up my life. I've dated 3 people since her, fucked only one, which was a hooker that i did out of desperation to not end up with the lifelong shame of having been a 30 year old virgin, which by the way..i forgot how old i was and turns out i was a year early. It's bull shit.