OP 27 June, 2022 - 07:34 AM
When i was 13 i went through something so heinous it shut my brain off and plunged me into mental ill-ness, which is hilarious because it wasn't even the big thing. I mean i was child abused...but my grandparents took me in, nurtured me back to health, set me up with a brilliant social atmosphere and i was FINE.
But, middle school happens and bad parents from my deadbeat father who wants little to nothing to do with me...combined the two led to some disastrous outcomes.
Needless to say - i felt safe maybe 3-4 times a year by pure chance...for minutes at a time if i was lucky...i trusted no one...and spent every single waking minute of my existence..literally within seconds of waking up...ALERT - in danger and everything that comes with that.
I finally developed the courage to leave my home state and move around until i landed in hawaii and was able to overcome my trauma within a year and a half it seems...because yesterday i felt safe with someone for the first time in 12 years.
You see, every time i ever felt safe in those 12 years...those 3-4 times per year...was by myself...so this was a big milestone and it was in person.
The recipe for safety seems to be, opening up, listening, being nice...that's all...
My autistic brain thinks in pictures and body language...so...in order for me to mentally process a conversation i have to be able to envision it..problem with PTSD is you can only think of what you're afraid of..then cross analyze it with reality looking for any similarities and the second you find something it explodes emotional bombs inside of you...and i spent the past 12 years living life like that..HOWEVER...recently i was able to achieve a sense of safety and...for the first time since i can remember...i...could actually stop thinking about everything im afraid of...and see what they were talking about in my head...and i could feel...emotional reactions to it...pleasant ones..things that made me smile...and i had authentic social input...meaning like..instincts...not forced logical...
I have no idea what the future holds but...this has made me smile recently.
But, middle school happens and bad parents from my deadbeat father who wants little to nothing to do with me...combined the two led to some disastrous outcomes.
Needless to say - i felt safe maybe 3-4 times a year by pure chance...for minutes at a time if i was lucky...i trusted no one...and spent every single waking minute of my existence..literally within seconds of waking up...ALERT - in danger and everything that comes with that.
I finally developed the courage to leave my home state and move around until i landed in hawaii and was able to overcome my trauma within a year and a half it seems...because yesterday i felt safe with someone for the first time in 12 years.
You see, every time i ever felt safe in those 12 years...those 3-4 times per year...was by myself...so this was a big milestone and it was in person.
The recipe for safety seems to be, opening up, listening, being nice...that's all...
My autistic brain thinks in pictures and body language...so...in order for me to mentally process a conversation i have to be able to envision it..problem with PTSD is you can only think of what you're afraid of..then cross analyze it with reality looking for any similarities and the second you find something it explodes emotional bombs inside of you...and i spent the past 12 years living life like that..HOWEVER...recently i was able to achieve a sense of safety and...for the first time since i can remember...i...could actually stop thinking about everything im afraid of...and see what they were talking about in my head...and i could feel...emotional reactions to it...pleasant ones..things that made me smile...and i had authentic social input...meaning like..instincts...not forced logical...
I have no idea what the future holds but...this has made me smile recently.
*ALERT* I HAVE IMPOSTERS, CONFIRM ALL DEALS ON C.IO DM'S *ALERT*
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